Picture if you will

This post is going to be a rant. Angry/emotional. So don't read it if you don't want to. It's mostly for me anyway.

I'm tired of being a backup plan.

I am trying to date. I am trying to flirt. I am trying to get back out into the world.
I've always had problems with rejection and being shy when it comes to women. But people always say you just have to put yourself out there and try.

Well I have. And unfortunately all it's got me is rejection. I am really getting sick of people who act all friendly and interested for a while. Maybe they don't mean to, maybe that's just me. I get that. But I don't think it can ALL be me.
It has just happened with multiple people. We text or chat online, its all friendly, going good, then...I don't hear from them for days/weeks. They don't answer texts. I try  not to send a ton or be annoying/creepy. And then one day, bam, I start getting texts from them again for a few hours. The pattern repeats and it doesn't take long for me to figure out when someone has long car rides or a slow day at work.
Whether the person just wants a friend or has actually considered me datable doesn't really matter. I'm tired of just being an option. Just someone you can talk to when you don't have anything else to do.

Look, I'll be the first to admit I have problems. One of them being insecurity and low self esteem. And this doesn't help.
It would just...It would be nice to know I was wanted. To know that someone cared about me, enjoyed my company, and actually wanted me for more than just a time filler. I know I have friends who care about me, and I truly do appreciate them, but I need something more.

And yeah yeah, Im sure ill find them eventually, I just have to wait, blah blah blah.
But what if I wait and it never comes.

People always tell you to wait. It's simple. Because they don't have to back up anything they say.
"Im sure youll find someone eventually". And if 20 years goes by and they still haven't found someone? well then they obviously just need to keep waiting, right?

My point is...I lost the one person who mattered to me most, and, like a lot of people, I didn't realize what I lost til it was gone.
And the more I try to find someone else, to see if I can love and be loved again...well, the more discouraging it gets.

That's my rant. And I'm willing to bet the people who this is directed at won't read it because they don't actually really care....and if they do....well, then let me know?


Sorry for just complaining, but, like I said this is mostly for me.

Pills Here!

A lot of Left4Dead has been happening recently. Yay for zombies.

I actually had a kinda freaky dream last night involving the zombie apocalypse...and River Tam was helping me survive. So i think that's a win on my part. 

Yesterday was a good day. I woke up, went to the Southtown expo center for 3ish hours. There was a big 'kids fair' type thing going on there. Lotta booths, bouncehouses, etc. So there were a TON of kids around, and they enjoyed us being there. When I say "us" I mean the 501st garrison. I wore swampy....most of which was held together by duct tape...I really need to get that thing fixed properly but...I fail...
On the bright side, the lovely Jill is helping me fix up my cummerbund. For which I am eternally indebted.

After that...I tried my hand at LARPing. It was an interesting experience. And cold. I got invited from a garrison member who does it regularly. Oh, LARP is Live action role play for those who don't know. Basically...ummm. its D&D in live action form where you act out your part, etc. 
I played NPC's all night ((it was so cold)) which meant I was all the expendable mercenaries, zombies, one-armed monsters, etc. It was kinda fun. Dunno if I'll end up doing it again. i'm kinda up in the air about it.


Today was a really lazy day. I've sat around and played 8 hours of video games with Devin. The only time I left my house was to get some tacos! which I drenched in fire sauce.So yeah...a lazy day.

And...yeah. New week of school tomorrow. Blah. Not looking forward to it particularly.

-----------
Next day. My dream last night? I wandered to a theatre that did "Toy Story" shows. Somehow ended up backstage. They were understaffed so they threw me in.....My costume? Chewbacca riding a yoshi. It was....weird.

Sandvich and Me

These last few days, my brain has been dead. I dunno if it's because school has started...I doubt it. I haven't done that much.
My sleep hasn't been what you'd call restful. I keep having nightmares, and while I stay asleep, I can't help but wonder if it's not restful, because I'm really tired all the time. Even after 10 hours of sleep.
Eh, Ill just hope it turns out better. Maybe its just my time of the month.
The extended weekend was a lot of fun. Devin came over and stayed two nights. We had good times. Video games, staying up til 5 am, etc. We turned Lauren onto video games. Left4Dead to be specific. She now loves killing zombies. Well, she probably did before. But now she has an outlet.
So yay for conversion to the way of the nerd!

And Now I'm off to play more games.

Ferrets

Sometimes, the hardest part about writing these blogs is coming up with a title.
Not that many of you who read this probably GET the titles or why I put them.
But I enjoy it.
Usually its something I've watched/listened too, talked about, etc, a lot recently.
This is today's Inspiration. It's my kind of humor. Dark and creepy. And musical.

Right. Down to buisness.

Classes still going well. I really enjoyed my fencing class. We got to suit up and pick up an epee today. ((Holy crap, I spelled that right I think. That was a shot in the dark. Go brain!)) I'm not 'good' at it. But...I really enjoy it. I WANT to get good. I'm still that kid on the play ground who would pick up sticks and swing them at people and try to challenge people to duels.
Though I blame my name for that.

I mean really, YOU try being named after a Musketeer and NOT sword fighting.

And how cool would it be if I got into it a bit competitively? And ended up dueling a trio of friends and then teaming up with them to save the king of France.


It's been a good day. A bit boring at times, but I've felt good today.

Yesterday...or was it two days ago...Meh, either way. I spent about 405 hours and finished up Chewbacca's back. Leaving the front and arms before im done latchooking!! ((well, if you don't count all the places I have to patch up, and the extra leg flares I still need to sew in then hook...))
The flash is on in this, so it makes it super shiny, but...well, you get the idea. Those are the pants laying under it. I wish I had a mannequin to put it on. Not that my dorm would have room. But it'd be fun.

That's pretty much it as of late. No homework this week, so its just been classes, work, video games, and costuming. Can't complain really.

Karma Chameleon

Well, first two days of classes are over, and they went pretty well. I'm taking an easier semester this go round.
I have two psychology classes in class, and one online one. The online one looks like its going to be the toughest, and the other two both have short answer exams. That scares me. But, hopefully I can keep an A in them.
My other two classes are Ballroom Dancing and Fencing. Both require coordination and skills I do not possess, but ideally by the end of the semester I'll be able to fare a little better on both of them.

I've been trying to work on Chewie some more but still running into trouble with him....really getting discouraged. With Swampy as well...so far, the only parts that have held together are the ones I had help putting together.
Blah.

Anyway, not much else new in my life. Things have been fairly boring actually.

Turn Around Brighteyes

Total Eclipse of the Heart has been running through my head a lot recently. I've always liked this song, and about a year ago it gained new meaning for me after I had a discussion with someone about it.

Also, if you haven't seen the literal version, go check it out, its fairly funny.

I get to move back into my dorm tomorrow! Yay! Very excited to not be vagabonding around anymore. I miss having a bed....and my car gets 20 MPG....Driving back and forth from Logan to Ogden to Brigham to Provo to Ogden to Salt Lake, etc, was really adding up...

But I would like to thank everyone who let me stay at their place. However, I don't think any of them really read this blog, so.....I guess here isn't the right place to do that.

I've been wearing the Necklace ryan gave me pretty much nonstop since I got it. I was thinking it'd take me a couple days to acclimate to, as that's what's happened before with watches, necklaces, etc. But this thing, why, I don't even notice it. Which is good. I think.

No clue why, but I can't rearrange the items in the Reality Bytes store. It says 'changes may take up to an hour to be reflected in store'. But its been saying that for days now. I don't know what to do about that....Hopefully its a programming glitch that works itself out after a while.

Things really slowed down with the 501 this month, but It looks like it'll pick up soon. There's a really cool event in a few months. A BIG Make-A-Wish fundraiser at the planetarium that is Star Wars Themed. I've only done one make a wish event before but it was really cool.
I wanna try to get Chewie done by then....It'd be a lot of fun to do. I just need to figure out those bloody legs/stilts.....

And feet.

And how to strap the mask to my head.....and get the jaw to work.


So there's still a lot to do.
But...It's 2-3 months ish so...who knows.


Well, its almost two. And I have to be awake in six hours.

Hello Happy Hobo

Dang, didn't realize I hadn't posted in so long...my bad.

Christmas was good. I drove down to my uncle's on the 25th and spent the night with my Mom and Uncle/family. We watched Labrinyth which I had never seen before. It was pretty good. Gotta love the cheesy 80's movies.
Ohh, I also got another letter from ryan with some Hungarian chocolates and a Magical Hungarian Amulet! Yay!
Okay, It may not be magic. But its pretty shiny and I've liked wearing it.
The next morning I drove back to SLC. Hung out with Lauren and spent the night there, and then I think it was the next day (Ive been having trouble keeping days straight) I drove back to Ogden, spent the night at devins, then went to Chelsea's ((his sister)) wedding the next day...that was the 29th so....Yeah. Somehow I was there on that day. I can't remember how precisely but. I was.
It was a nice short ceremony, I got a bit teary eyed during it. I didn't really know anyone there so I mostly just lurked, but there was good food and whatnot, so it wasn't bad at all. As everyone was leaving though, BIG blizzard type snowstorm hit. Really hard to drive back to Ogden in.
It had originally been my plan to go visit my family that night, as they were leaving the next morning....Well I didn't want to risk driving through the blizzardish snow...I suck at driving, and snow only makes the equation worse.
I feel bad for not getting to see them again but...I hope they understand. I did send the xbox back home with them. I think they were happier about that anyway.
Sidenote before I forget. Just got the first 50 episodes of Animaniacs downloaded. Yay!
I THINK I stayed at devin's for another day or two...then I went back to SLC...for...two days?
All I know is that I was back there by new years eve. Lauren and I drove down to a club in Provo where the lead singer of Neon Trees was DJing. Clubbing isn't my thing. Or dancing. whatever you call it.
But it was enjoyable. Small thing, only 40-50 people there. Lauren got hit on. Of course.
As soon as the countdown for midnight started, all girls in my vicinity vacated...ha. Not like I had the guts to actually try to kiss someone, but...wasn't the best ego boost.
Such is life though.

After that, I spent another night at the girls apartment but...that couch they have is just too small. Kills my back.
So off to devin's I went again. Stayed the night at his parents place in ogden and...now I'm here. In Logan.

We've been playing Company of Heroes and Warhammer and Need for speed. And pretty much all Ive eaten in the past couple days is Mountain Dew and poptarts. I stay up til 4 and sleep in til noon.
Yay Winter break, Yay college!

I want to try to get Reality Bytes going again. I feel bad for letting ...'die'. but...It's just not as fun with out Ryan.
And there are so many othe rwell established companies out there that do what we do. I dunno. I guess well see.
This break has been a weird blur. And felt really long. School starts a week from today. I still haven't bought any books...
But I can move back into my place Friday! Soooo excited to have my room back.