So very tired

This week has felt very long. I guess it's been over a week since I've written last....doesn't feel that long. hm.

Life is a little...dead right now. I've just felt very tired overall and drained, especially these last two days. I've also had a general lack of interest in things....which sounds like my depression may be kicking in. But I have enjoyed video games recently, which is unusual. for the past few months I'd kinda be disinterested in them. Blah. So who knows.

Whatever it is, I guess I've just felt like I'm not quite myself lately.

I got a letter from Ryan a few days ago....I can't actually remember when, but it was nice. Heheh...he sent me chocolate and Hungarian pocket change. Apparently it only takes a bit over a week for a letter to get here from there. I still need to figure out postage though, I'm wondering if I sent way too much on my letter there.

Mom bought a new vehicle so it looks like I'll be buying the tracker from her. So...yay!
A little concerned though too...that means a monthly payment for insurance, and gas, and I'll have to buy a parking pass, etc...growing up sucks.

I bought stilts for chewie....which I'm kinda regretting. They come highly praised by a ton of the top wookies, but they don't work with the pants I latchhooked...so I'm going to have to redo/mod the pants and figure a bunch of other things out...I'm just a bit discouraged.

To be honest, I'm feeling a bit star wars'ed out. I just feel so...tired all the time. All I want to do is just lay around. Blah. I feel so lazy.

I feel like I should stop writing now...I'm obviously a bit down at the moment. heh.

Wharrgarbl

First off, your welcome

So, been a fun week. I've been reading up on the music business so I actually have something useful to contribute to Lauren's "band" as it progresses to stardom.
The music market is a scary place, especially with digital media. And once you start paying everyone involved, you realize that unless you are BIG, like, superstar big, you don't make much at all.

I used air quotes on the word band cus she doesn't have a drummer yet. Not cus she's not a real band. So back off. Yeesh, all you people who read this blog are like vultures.

All....two of you...

Yesterday was...fun. I skipped my last class to go to a garrison event. It was....chaotic. I do not like printing pictures for people. But there were a lot of kids who had fun and were super excited and hyper, so at least we did our job.
Next time though, I wanna wear the anakin....He had girls swarming all over him.
Granted. Most of them were 11. So...maybe I'll wait til we do a college event and do Anakin.

Or I could just hurry my arse up and finish chewie already. I only have, what...60ish hours left of work to put into it.

Found this picture  yesterday. Facebook is doing that thing where it randomly shows you pictures from the past.
I miss Ryan. I want him to get home already so we can go back to being best friends.

But...I'm glad he's serving a mission. Just wish he'd get a letter of of Hungary already!


That's it, this is my new profile picture.

Now do you realize the magnitude of the situation?




Had my first test of the semester yesterday...it was...Okay. I really can never remember the parts of the eyes, and that screwed me over. Fingers crossed I didn't do too awful.
I need to start working on my research paper. Ack.


Oh, another garrison event tomorrow. I may get to wear Anakin. I spent a half hour last night playing with my scarring stuff....It's fun. :) but kinda burny.

Last night was odd. At about 2:30, I woke up. and was AWAKE. Not drowsy like I normally am when I wake up. So from about then til four, I just lay in bed and tried to rest. But it was weird. Don't really remember having that happen before.

I need to make a run to home depot. I need some foam for my chewie mask, and an exercise mat for chewies feet. I'd also like to look into some PVC/various parts to 'make' my own blasters.


Anyone have a old car they want to get rid of?

Or a motorcycle with a sidecar?

So...funny story

First off, I want to apologize for my last couple posts. They were really angsty and whiny. It's been an interesting couple weeks.

Secondly, I'd like to thank my brother for being so amazing. I really do love him, he's awesome, and I wish he could come out and live with me.

Right. On to buisness.

I volunteered at the Greek Festival Pastry booth for the past four days. That was fun. Nothing like standing for around 6 hours selling overprized, high calorie, diet bombs to 'tourists'.

Nah, 'twasnt all that bad. Kinda fun to be selling stuff with the gang. Granted, I'm still exhausted and my legs haven't forgiven me yet.
I did get some Free Pastries out of it!!
That's just what I need to lose weight. 3000 calories in two convient bites.
But wait, there's more! I have access to five BOXES full of pastries!
These won't last long folks, and you'll have to act now to get your hands on these delicious items!

It was funny, the first two days of working it, people would ask me what my favorite ones were...and seeing as I'd only ever had baklava....I'd just flat out lie and pick the one I wanted sold at the moment. Yay! Deception.

Ah, but NOW, I realize that I like the melomakarouna or however it's spelled. Walnut cookie, SOAKED in honey. It's wonderful. I've eaten three so far today for breakfast.

....I'm so fat...


On saturday, I went to the Autism carnival with the Garrison. I got to suit up as Anakin. I like that costume. Not sure why, but I do. I really need to lose my gut for it so I can fit into it better, and apparently there's a fair amount that's not screen accurate but...*shrug* I'll not be wearing it much when I finish Chewie.
Speaking of which, got the mask/helmet/whatever on Saturday. Kinda overwhelmed, and haven't had a chance to sit down and figure what I have to do to get it functional ,but hopefully I'll be able to get a start on it in the next week or so.

((I'm at work right now, and someone just asked me if I had a thick black marker. Obviously, I had three different sizes, and they giggled in anticipation when I gave them it. That was amusing))

On the topic of costumes, I'd really like to get Swampy done, but I'll admit I lost some of my 'passion' for him. Not sure why. I think I'm just more 'in love' with non armor costumes.

I got Revan's voice in the upcoming fan film a garrison buddy of mine is doing!! Super excited about that.

I need to get back in the swing of school and stuff still. I just can't seem to get my mind to focus or work. I kinda just feel like I'm in a daze half the time, everything's a bit surreal.

I hate this shift so much. I work 8 hours starting at six am. On weds and Fridays, I only go til ten. That's fine, cus then I can go home and rest. But 8 hours...I'm dead on my feet, and pretty much done for the day when I get off work at 2. I'm also the only one who has an 8 hour shift, apart from one person who works from 2-midnight on saturdays...

I feel about ready to just lay down and never get up again. Of course, even feeling like that last night, I wasn't able to fall asleep.

It's ten now. Four hours to go. Then I should probably start thinking about doing homework.

Happiness

I see it. The smiling faces of others.
Their laughter, their joy.
I want it.

I want to rip it from their bodies. I want them to be left with the hollow emptiness i feel

I want them to realize the pain that comes when you see someone with joy in their lifes.

They must feel the isolation, the bitterness, the pain, the envy.

They must suffer as I do.

And will I be happy then.....

No.

Pensive

Okay, as a heads up, this post is a bit...whiny,emo, whatever you wanna call it, but its something I need to articulate and write down. I'm hoping it'll be a bit therapeutic.Since this is mostly for me, I'm going to speak in 'riddles'. Those of you who are close to me will figure it out.
As to why I don't write this in a journal? For one, I don't keep journals. The other reason is...I've always thought that I may die unexpectedly. Maybe I want a record out there...I want people to be able to set the story straight. I guess its a bit arrogant of me to think people will really care but I'd like to hope so.

Well. Shall we?

--------
The problem is simple. He's better than me. I don't personally know him, granted, but every bit of information I've gleaned from various sources confirm this. He's just better than me.
Any trait or skill that I have that I consider 'good', he has. But not only that. All the traits or skills I wish I had...he has.
It's like he's everything I want to be but never have been able to.
I don't idolize him. In fact, quite the opposite. I detest him. Not personally...but for who he is, WHAT he is. I hate him.

I hate that he's better than me. I hate that I feel like I'll never be as good as him. I hate the way I feel worthless when I hear about him or something he did.

I feel like he's stolen something from me. And as much as I'd like to, I can't hate him on a personal level because he's...he's a good guy. Like I said, he's everything good about me and more. I can't blame him for that, for all he's done...but damnit all do I wish I could.

I think maybe I hate myself really. I know I have self esteem issues and I've never really liked me. Perhaps I'm merely projecting to him. I hate myself, and he is a more perfect me....and I hate him for it because he's making me realize all the more acutely how flawed and devoid of redeeming qualities I am.

I wonder if I should try to emulate him. But if I were to...I couldn't approximate him at all for one, and I'd feel somewhat pathetic for trying.

Honestly, I don't know what the solution is, or if there even is one.

All I can say is everytime I think of him, it forces my face back into the dirt and grinds in against the Earth.

Latchhooking

So, a majority of my free time lately has been latchhooking. I'm trying to get Chewie done already. and He is a BEAST...Dunno how many more hours I'm going to pour into him, but it's looking like at least 50 just for the pants. I'm at 40 now.

Went to see a metal concert last night with Lauren and Ally. It was one of her friends bands. They were actually really good ((bad venue though)) and I bought their cd. Only six tracks, but...they have a good sound, a Lot like Rush.

I need to get on top of things...I haven't read anything for school. I kinda hate coasting through classes but...so far in college...I haven't HAD to really read the book or do anything besides cram before a test...I know that's awful but...Blah.

These 5 AM wake up work days are killing me. I'm always tired and never get enough sleep.

Mom made me really happy the other day. hahah. I left my anti depressants in cali on accident ((only a few of them, I have the bulk here)) she mailed them to me, along with a zippo lighter and a chewbacca tshirt. She knows three of the things that make me happy.
Celexa
Fire
and
Star Wars

I'm really missing having Ryan write to me...This wait is killin' me....And I still want to write Jeremy but...I just...feel uncomfortable about it. Sigh. I hope he forgives me for being a lousy friend when he gets back.

I've been thinking about trying to get a car soon...I'm going to need one eventually. But I know nothing about cars...and I'm cheap. So if anyone has a junker or a free thing they wanna dump on me...

If I don't do that, I'll likely just buy a computer to prepare for TOR.

On a star wars note, It's looking like I have a really good shot at getting this voice acting part in a fan film done by a friend, which would be awesome. Fingers crossed.