We can dance if you want to

Except for the fact that I cannot dance.

Or at least..not very well.

For those who don't know, I'm taking ballroom dance right now as an elective. I've really enjoyed the class, and up until last class period, I was more or less getting it. But these last two classes, we started doing the Viennese waltz and...its bad.

I just can't keep up, can't count the steps, I trip over my feet...People say I'm getting better, and maybe I am, but Im still messing up a lot.

I don't know if this is some childhood experience or just my low self esteem or what but...me sitting there struggling, trying time and time again to get it and still failing...I feel sick. My stomach hurts, I can't look anyone in the eye, I dont' wnat to be around people, and I've come close to crying.
Logically, I know this shouldn't upset me like this. These are tricky steps, and its natural to have problems. But as with pretty much everything in my life, it doesn't matter how logical I can be, my emotions take control.

So, anyway, Im just feeling really low today...Hopefully I can shake it soon but..yeah.
I still want to get better...and part of me wants to keep trying, the other part wants to just give up so I don't fail anymore.
But I always give up on everything. I've never tried hard for anything in my life. Its just a series of coincidental successes, and all the failures that I instantly push away to never try again.

Blah. Wasn't my intention to make this into a whiny complaining thing. But I guess that's the mood I'm in. Sorry.

Wind Chill

So I haven't written in a bit. Not much has been going on I suppose.
A few of RealityBytes Shirts sold the past few days, and 2 of them were ones I personally drew, so that makes me happy.

Ah, I did try something new last saturday. I went to a dance club. It was certainly and interesting experience, but I enjoyed it. I didn't really dance so much as people watch, but that in itself was a lot of fun. Dunno if I'll be doing it again but.. *shrug* it was something new.

Besides that life's been the usual. Work, school, video games, homework, sleeping, little costuming.

Still kinda bummed out because there's a few people who I'm trying to get to know better, be better friends with, etc...but it alway sseems like something comes up so they can never talk or hang out.
And me with my self esteem...well I can't help but think that they just find me annoying and are politely trying to avoid me.
Even some old friends have been that way the past few months. I mean, most of our conversations were only ever over the internet, but even that, now they just ignore me. It kinda hurts, and I wonder if I did something or...

Eh, but whats it matter really. I've got a few good solid true friends, and to them I am very grateful.

Picture if you will

This post is going to be a rant. Angry/emotional. So don't read it if you don't want to. It's mostly for me anyway.

I'm tired of being a backup plan.

I am trying to date. I am trying to flirt. I am trying to get back out into the world.
I've always had problems with rejection and being shy when it comes to women. But people always say you just have to put yourself out there and try.

Well I have. And unfortunately all it's got me is rejection. I am really getting sick of people who act all friendly and interested for a while. Maybe they don't mean to, maybe that's just me. I get that. But I don't think it can ALL be me.
It has just happened with multiple people. We text or chat online, its all friendly, going good, then...I don't hear from them for days/weeks. They don't answer texts. I try  not to send a ton or be annoying/creepy. And then one day, bam, I start getting texts from them again for a few hours. The pattern repeats and it doesn't take long for me to figure out when someone has long car rides or a slow day at work.
Whether the person just wants a friend or has actually considered me datable doesn't really matter. I'm tired of just being an option. Just someone you can talk to when you don't have anything else to do.

Look, I'll be the first to admit I have problems. One of them being insecurity and low self esteem. And this doesn't help.
It would just...It would be nice to know I was wanted. To know that someone cared about me, enjoyed my company, and actually wanted me for more than just a time filler. I know I have friends who care about me, and I truly do appreciate them, but I need something more.

And yeah yeah, Im sure ill find them eventually, I just have to wait, blah blah blah.
But what if I wait and it never comes.

People always tell you to wait. It's simple. Because they don't have to back up anything they say.
"Im sure youll find someone eventually". And if 20 years goes by and they still haven't found someone? well then they obviously just need to keep waiting, right?

My point is...I lost the one person who mattered to me most, and, like a lot of people, I didn't realize what I lost til it was gone.
And the more I try to find someone else, to see if I can love and be loved again...well, the more discouraging it gets.

That's my rant. And I'm willing to bet the people who this is directed at won't read it because they don't actually really care....and if they do....well, then let me know?


Sorry for just complaining, but, like I said this is mostly for me.

Pills Here!

A lot of Left4Dead has been happening recently. Yay for zombies.

I actually had a kinda freaky dream last night involving the zombie apocalypse...and River Tam was helping me survive. So i think that's a win on my part. 

Yesterday was a good day. I woke up, went to the Southtown expo center for 3ish hours. There was a big 'kids fair' type thing going on there. Lotta booths, bouncehouses, etc. So there were a TON of kids around, and they enjoyed us being there. When I say "us" I mean the 501st garrison. I wore swampy....most of which was held together by duct tape...I really need to get that thing fixed properly but...I fail...
On the bright side, the lovely Jill is helping me fix up my cummerbund. For which I am eternally indebted.

After that...I tried my hand at LARPing. It was an interesting experience. And cold. I got invited from a garrison member who does it regularly. Oh, LARP is Live action role play for those who don't know. Basically...ummm. its D&D in live action form where you act out your part, etc. 
I played NPC's all night ((it was so cold)) which meant I was all the expendable mercenaries, zombies, one-armed monsters, etc. It was kinda fun. Dunno if I'll end up doing it again. i'm kinda up in the air about it.


Today was a really lazy day. I've sat around and played 8 hours of video games with Devin. The only time I left my house was to get some tacos! which I drenched in fire sauce.So yeah...a lazy day.

And...yeah. New week of school tomorrow. Blah. Not looking forward to it particularly.

-----------
Next day. My dream last night? I wandered to a theatre that did "Toy Story" shows. Somehow ended up backstage. They were understaffed so they threw me in.....My costume? Chewbacca riding a yoshi. It was....weird.

Sandvich and Me

These last few days, my brain has been dead. I dunno if it's because school has started...I doubt it. I haven't done that much.
My sleep hasn't been what you'd call restful. I keep having nightmares, and while I stay asleep, I can't help but wonder if it's not restful, because I'm really tired all the time. Even after 10 hours of sleep.
Eh, Ill just hope it turns out better. Maybe its just my time of the month.
The extended weekend was a lot of fun. Devin came over and stayed two nights. We had good times. Video games, staying up til 5 am, etc. We turned Lauren onto video games. Left4Dead to be specific. She now loves killing zombies. Well, she probably did before. But now she has an outlet.
So yay for conversion to the way of the nerd!

And Now I'm off to play more games.

Ferrets

Sometimes, the hardest part about writing these blogs is coming up with a title.
Not that many of you who read this probably GET the titles or why I put them.
But I enjoy it.
Usually its something I've watched/listened too, talked about, etc, a lot recently.
This is today's Inspiration. It's my kind of humor. Dark and creepy. And musical.

Right. Down to buisness.

Classes still going well. I really enjoyed my fencing class. We got to suit up and pick up an epee today. ((Holy crap, I spelled that right I think. That was a shot in the dark. Go brain!)) I'm not 'good' at it. But...I really enjoy it. I WANT to get good. I'm still that kid on the play ground who would pick up sticks and swing them at people and try to challenge people to duels.
Though I blame my name for that.

I mean really, YOU try being named after a Musketeer and NOT sword fighting.

And how cool would it be if I got into it a bit competitively? And ended up dueling a trio of friends and then teaming up with them to save the king of France.


It's been a good day. A bit boring at times, but I've felt good today.

Yesterday...or was it two days ago...Meh, either way. I spent about 405 hours and finished up Chewbacca's back. Leaving the front and arms before im done latchooking!! ((well, if you don't count all the places I have to patch up, and the extra leg flares I still need to sew in then hook...))
The flash is on in this, so it makes it super shiny, but...well, you get the idea. Those are the pants laying under it. I wish I had a mannequin to put it on. Not that my dorm would have room. But it'd be fun.

That's pretty much it as of late. No homework this week, so its just been classes, work, video games, and costuming. Can't complain really.

Karma Chameleon

Well, first two days of classes are over, and they went pretty well. I'm taking an easier semester this go round.
I have two psychology classes in class, and one online one. The online one looks like its going to be the toughest, and the other two both have short answer exams. That scares me. But, hopefully I can keep an A in them.
My other two classes are Ballroom Dancing and Fencing. Both require coordination and skills I do not possess, but ideally by the end of the semester I'll be able to fare a little better on both of them.

I've been trying to work on Chewie some more but still running into trouble with him....really getting discouraged. With Swampy as well...so far, the only parts that have held together are the ones I had help putting together.
Blah.

Anyway, not much else new in my life. Things have been fairly boring actually.