Picture if you will

This post is going to be a rant. Angry/emotional. So don't read it if you don't want to. It's mostly for me anyway.

I'm tired of being a backup plan.

I am trying to date. I am trying to flirt. I am trying to get back out into the world.
I've always had problems with rejection and being shy when it comes to women. But people always say you just have to put yourself out there and try.

Well I have. And unfortunately all it's got me is rejection. I am really getting sick of people who act all friendly and interested for a while. Maybe they don't mean to, maybe that's just me. I get that. But I don't think it can ALL be me.
It has just happened with multiple people. We text or chat online, its all friendly, going good, then...I don't hear from them for days/weeks. They don't answer texts. I try  not to send a ton or be annoying/creepy. And then one day, bam, I start getting texts from them again for a few hours. The pattern repeats and it doesn't take long for me to figure out when someone has long car rides or a slow day at work.
Whether the person just wants a friend or has actually considered me datable doesn't really matter. I'm tired of just being an option. Just someone you can talk to when you don't have anything else to do.

Look, I'll be the first to admit I have problems. One of them being insecurity and low self esteem. And this doesn't help.
It would just...It would be nice to know I was wanted. To know that someone cared about me, enjoyed my company, and actually wanted me for more than just a time filler. I know I have friends who care about me, and I truly do appreciate them, but I need something more.

And yeah yeah, Im sure ill find them eventually, I just have to wait, blah blah blah.
But what if I wait and it never comes.

People always tell you to wait. It's simple. Because they don't have to back up anything they say.
"Im sure youll find someone eventually". And if 20 years goes by and they still haven't found someone? well then they obviously just need to keep waiting, right?

My point is...I lost the one person who mattered to me most, and, like a lot of people, I didn't realize what I lost til it was gone.
And the more I try to find someone else, to see if I can love and be loved again...well, the more discouraging it gets.

That's my rant. And I'm willing to bet the people who this is directed at won't read it because they don't actually really care....and if they do....well, then let me know?


Sorry for just complaining, but, like I said this is mostly for me.