A Sandwich with words?

It's been a while. Interesting couple of weeks. Overall, just a lot of school and work as usual. And Dragon Age II...came out last tuesday, beat it in a week, 40 hours....It was good overall, a few complaints, but still good.

So I had two tests last week that I felt like I did AWFUL on. I studied a lot ((for me anyway)) but still felt unprepared...They are both short answers, no multiple choice, so I'm out of my element.
Well, I just got grades back from them...I got 94 and 95 out of 100 on them. The 94 wasn't curved at all. I just got the test back and EVERY question I guessed on, I somehow got right....I really don't know how, but I won't question it. The 95...I left a LOT blank. It shouldn't be POSSIBLE for me to have scored that high, but I'm not going to question it. I'm just grateful for this spot of luck.

Spring Break is next week, and everyone keeps asking me what I'm going to do. So far my plans include sitting at home. And that's it.

This semester is almost out...its crazy. I only have 21 more credit hours before I graduate....I have no idea where I'm going after that....Life is coming up on me fast.

I dunno why but today seems like its gonna be a Great Day

Actually it WAS a great day. Last day of my beginner fencing class. I still suck, but on thursday I start....INTERMEDIATE FENCING. Dun dun dunnnn

And after that is when the really nice part of my day occured. I got to hang out with someone new, and we had a mini picnic at the park, fed ducks, played Zombies!!! and  just talked and asked each other questions for about...7 hours. It was really nice. I haven't smiled that much in a while.


Playing GTA with devin now, in a public match, and just meeting some crazy people who are a lot of fun to drive around and cause mayhem with. I'm drinking some grape koolaid and eating cashews. I feel content.

Am I a pretty girl?

So, haven't posted in a while. Nothing really happened until this weekend....

On saturday, I got to go to a Murder mystery dinner with my 501st friends....except there weren't enough 'male' characters to play...so guess who got cast as the slutty one?

Yep. That's me. Thanks to Lauren for dressing me up and doing my makeup and Nikki for letting me borrow the wig.
Besides the fact that I couldn't find women's shoes in my size and the dress was a bit small, not that uncomfortable. And I don't think I look TOO bad.
The dinner was a ton of fun. Good food, and we were laughing like crazy.

After that, I came home and Lauren, Devin and I stayed up til almost 5 am just being crazy and wandering around upper campus or talking. Then, we woke up this morning...well, afternoon, and went to IHOP for all you can eat pancakes.

Following that we went to petsmart and played with adorable cats that we fell in love with and really wanna adopt...except none of our current abodes allows pets....
I got to work on Swampy a bit today, and resubmit approval pics. If I'm lucky, I may be an official 501st member within the next couple of weeks. Here's hoping!

That's really all that's new. Besides that its just the usual day by day humdrum.

Lights off!

Got a letter from Ryan today! Yay. So hopefully I'll get my reply out soon.

These last few days have been interesting. I have eaten nothing but junk food and It's starting to show. I'm not feeling too great. I was gonna go shopping on Friday, when I SHOULD have gotten paid...but I didn't, so I'm waiting til tomorrow...So I've been living off all the stockpiled chips, cookies, and assorted sugar products I've had around.


Not looking forward to tomorrow...I have a test in one of my classes that is all essay questions....and the 'study guide' the professor gave us is worthless and confusing. So that'll be fun.
And...I don't wanna go to Ballroom...Every time I think about it I feel sick to my stomach.

Still trying to figure out this summer job/living wise. Also fun.

Today was the superbowl....and what have I done today? Well, I've sat on my computer being bored, half halfheartedly playing video games, and eaten junk food. I had hoped for something to do tonight but....plans fell through.

Look at what I drew. Yay. I'm clever. hahah. Eventually I'm gonna make a Ronald Raygun that'll look similar...

I put it up on zazzle...they STILL haven't fixed the store. I keep emailing them and they just reply "we don't know when the problem will be resolved'.....so until then the store is confusing to navigate....though I get the feeling most people aren't navigating the store so much as searching for keywords. *shrug*



Can't remember if I mentioned this on here before, but I really wanna do a L4D 'poster' photoshoot.

Okay. I've sat here for ten minutes just now, and still can't think of anything to write, so I'm gonna go. 

We can dance if you want to

Except for the fact that I cannot dance.

Or at least..not very well.

For those who don't know, I'm taking ballroom dance right now as an elective. I've really enjoyed the class, and up until last class period, I was more or less getting it. But these last two classes, we started doing the Viennese waltz and...its bad.

I just can't keep up, can't count the steps, I trip over my feet...People say I'm getting better, and maybe I am, but Im still messing up a lot.

I don't know if this is some childhood experience or just my low self esteem or what but...me sitting there struggling, trying time and time again to get it and still failing...I feel sick. My stomach hurts, I can't look anyone in the eye, I dont' wnat to be around people, and I've come close to crying.
Logically, I know this shouldn't upset me like this. These are tricky steps, and its natural to have problems. But as with pretty much everything in my life, it doesn't matter how logical I can be, my emotions take control.

So, anyway, Im just feeling really low today...Hopefully I can shake it soon but..yeah.
I still want to get better...and part of me wants to keep trying, the other part wants to just give up so I don't fail anymore.
But I always give up on everything. I've never tried hard for anything in my life. Its just a series of coincidental successes, and all the failures that I instantly push away to never try again.

Blah. Wasn't my intention to make this into a whiny complaining thing. But I guess that's the mood I'm in. Sorry.

Wind Chill

So I haven't written in a bit. Not much has been going on I suppose.
A few of RealityBytes Shirts sold the past few days, and 2 of them were ones I personally drew, so that makes me happy.

Ah, I did try something new last saturday. I went to a dance club. It was certainly and interesting experience, but I enjoyed it. I didn't really dance so much as people watch, but that in itself was a lot of fun. Dunno if I'll be doing it again but.. *shrug* it was something new.

Besides that life's been the usual. Work, school, video games, homework, sleeping, little costuming.

Still kinda bummed out because there's a few people who I'm trying to get to know better, be better friends with, etc...but it alway sseems like something comes up so they can never talk or hang out.
And me with my self esteem...well I can't help but think that they just find me annoying and are politely trying to avoid me.
Even some old friends have been that way the past few months. I mean, most of our conversations were only ever over the internet, but even that, now they just ignore me. It kinda hurts, and I wonder if I did something or...

Eh, but whats it matter really. I've got a few good solid true friends, and to them I am very grateful.

Picture if you will

This post is going to be a rant. Angry/emotional. So don't read it if you don't want to. It's mostly for me anyway.

I'm tired of being a backup plan.

I am trying to date. I am trying to flirt. I am trying to get back out into the world.
I've always had problems with rejection and being shy when it comes to women. But people always say you just have to put yourself out there and try.

Well I have. And unfortunately all it's got me is rejection. I am really getting sick of people who act all friendly and interested for a while. Maybe they don't mean to, maybe that's just me. I get that. But I don't think it can ALL be me.
It has just happened with multiple people. We text or chat online, its all friendly, going good, then...I don't hear from them for days/weeks. They don't answer texts. I try  not to send a ton or be annoying/creepy. And then one day, bam, I start getting texts from them again for a few hours. The pattern repeats and it doesn't take long for me to figure out when someone has long car rides or a slow day at work.
Whether the person just wants a friend or has actually considered me datable doesn't really matter. I'm tired of just being an option. Just someone you can talk to when you don't have anything else to do.

Look, I'll be the first to admit I have problems. One of them being insecurity and low self esteem. And this doesn't help.
It would just...It would be nice to know I was wanted. To know that someone cared about me, enjoyed my company, and actually wanted me for more than just a time filler. I know I have friends who care about me, and I truly do appreciate them, but I need something more.

And yeah yeah, Im sure ill find them eventually, I just have to wait, blah blah blah.
But what if I wait and it never comes.

People always tell you to wait. It's simple. Because they don't have to back up anything they say.
"Im sure youll find someone eventually". And if 20 years goes by and they still haven't found someone? well then they obviously just need to keep waiting, right?

My point is...I lost the one person who mattered to me most, and, like a lot of people, I didn't realize what I lost til it was gone.
And the more I try to find someone else, to see if I can love and be loved again...well, the more discouraging it gets.

That's my rant. And I'm willing to bet the people who this is directed at won't read it because they don't actually really care....and if they do....well, then let me know?


Sorry for just complaining, but, like I said this is mostly for me.