Pensive

Okay, as a heads up, this post is a bit...whiny,emo, whatever you wanna call it, but its something I need to articulate and write down. I'm hoping it'll be a bit therapeutic.Since this is mostly for me, I'm going to speak in 'riddles'. Those of you who are close to me will figure it out.
As to why I don't write this in a journal? For one, I don't keep journals. The other reason is...I've always thought that I may die unexpectedly. Maybe I want a record out there...I want people to be able to set the story straight. I guess its a bit arrogant of me to think people will really care but I'd like to hope so.

Well. Shall we?

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The problem is simple. He's better than me. I don't personally know him, granted, but every bit of information I've gleaned from various sources confirm this. He's just better than me.
Any trait or skill that I have that I consider 'good', he has. But not only that. All the traits or skills I wish I had...he has.
It's like he's everything I want to be but never have been able to.
I don't idolize him. In fact, quite the opposite. I detest him. Not personally...but for who he is, WHAT he is. I hate him.

I hate that he's better than me. I hate that I feel like I'll never be as good as him. I hate the way I feel worthless when I hear about him or something he did.

I feel like he's stolen something from me. And as much as I'd like to, I can't hate him on a personal level because he's...he's a good guy. Like I said, he's everything good about me and more. I can't blame him for that, for all he's done...but damnit all do I wish I could.

I think maybe I hate myself really. I know I have self esteem issues and I've never really liked me. Perhaps I'm merely projecting to him. I hate myself, and he is a more perfect me....and I hate him for it because he's making me realize all the more acutely how flawed and devoid of redeeming qualities I am.

I wonder if I should try to emulate him. But if I were to...I couldn't approximate him at all for one, and I'd feel somewhat pathetic for trying.

Honestly, I don't know what the solution is, or if there even is one.

All I can say is everytime I think of him, it forces my face back into the dirt and grinds in against the Earth.